Inner Void

At 26 and in the year 2007 I have this superstition that time will soon run out and any chance I have to better my life will be thrown away and wasted due to no else's fault but my own. Though this subconscious belief is utterly crazy and without tangible proof of ever occurring, my mind cannot help but keep this stored away in some oblivious file and wait for the most random moment to taunt me with it. From years of watching television specials on Nostradamus prophecies and ancient Mayan calendars and attending church sermons on the book of Revelation I have manifested this underlying fear of the world's end. No matter how much I may desire to achieve certain long-term goals I somehow end up with a sense of hopelessness; that all things conjured by my willing effort will only be wiped clean away from the onslaught of a destined armageddon.
It is worrisome enough to have these feelings locked deep within the recesses of my brain and my spirit, but even more so when I feel like my life really has no greater purpose to fulfill. Day by day I find that I am ruled by a hunger for material things, and as a result I become addicted to obtaining new objects and will stop at nothing to have them. This hunger has resulted in mounting credit card debt and irresistible temptation from every new thing that happens to catch my buyer's eye. After years of being in a relationship, under long-term employment and exposed to social experiences I have learned some of the complexities of human interaction and just how fragile they can be. In the middle of all this I somehow feel an emptiness from within that just cannot be filled and I do not know where it comes from. A part of me thinks that finding a way to fill this void is good start to alleviate the fear of my life coming to an absolute end if not the world.
Ways to fill this void stand out in forms of religion when I wonder if feeling connected to a higher power of enlightenment would be a plausible solution. However, rampant hypocrisy and corruption that can and has run free in today's religious societies rids me of any security I could ever feel if I were to become a part of any of them. In respect to religious societies I at one point was interested in becoming a monk and devoting my entire life to worshipping God (I sometimes have that same interest to this day). A dream (or nightmare depending on how one may look at it) that occurred to me a long time ago involved me going to Jerusalem and witnessing the Second Coming first hand. There are times in the midst of my daily life when I feel the impulse to drop EVERYTHING and run for the hills in search of some solitude and tranquility. I think that ultimately that is all I long for in my life, a peaceful stillness that keeps me centered and enlightened and fulfilled to the point where I would long for nothing more than that. Until I achieve this inner peace in totality I must be content with however I can manage to obtain it in this life whether it be through writing poetry, onstage performing, listening to music or meditating.